ANATOMICAL VOLUME 01 · PRIVATE EDITION

S.A.M.

Sam's Anatomical Mind

A guide to how my brain works, how I process emotions, and what helps me.

This is a quick reference, not a complete or static picture. It is not a final diagnosis or rigid plan. It is a tool for understanding me and working with me as my mind changes over time.

↓ scroll, or click into a body part

FIG. 0 — INDEX BODY

The Body

click any part — it scrolls you straight there

✎ click any organ to jump

PLATE I

The Eyes — Quick Look

fig. I

✦ hover — pupil dilates

Diagnoses

›Bipolar 1
›Borderline Personality
›OCD?
›ADHD?
›MDD?
›Anorexia Nervosa

Depression warning signs

›Withdrawing
›Going quiet
›Negative talk
›Argumentative
›Apathy

Mania warning signs

›Cut tongue
›Not eating
›Not sleeping
›Too many ideas
›Spending
›Talking fast/loud
›Can't sit still
›Drastic changes

Quick soothers

›Fidget toys
›Music
›Word games
›Distractions

Avoid

›Unpredictability
›Lying
›Patronizing

PLATE II

The Spine — Personal History

fig. II

a timeline carried like vertebrae — each one a weight

Childhood in a small UK village

Outwardly normal / charmed life

Friends and school success

Pretending to be sick to avoid school

Making myself throw up or showing symptoms

Ages 12–14: faking being in a wheelchair

Bursledon House

Not opening up

Doctors diagnosing school stress

Olympic torch in 2012

C10

C11

Moving to the U.S.

Desert feeling like an alien planet

C12

C13

High school

Alyssa

C14

C15

Graduation

Adulthood: repeated attempts to work / live / build something

C16

C17

Drifting / existing

Past carrying weight like a strained spine

C18

PLATE III

The Cerebellum — Mental History

fig. III

Balance, coordination, learning — slightly off-balance. Tilted, wobbling, the pieces don't fully lock.

Childhood

◆Curiosity, imagination, escape
◆Outwardly normal
◆Friends, school success, no apparent issues
◆Nagging sense something was wrong
◆Illness / appearance of illness as escape
◆Avoidance as early coping mechanism
◆Hidden complexity underneath normal surface

Adolescence

◆Avoidance escalated
◆Faked being in a wheelchair
◆Bursledon House
◆Shut down, did not open up
◆Doctors could not name it
◆Internal struggles masked by outward functioning
◆Could not articulate what was wrong

Adulthood

◆Ages 18–21: tried to work, live, fit expectations
◆Brain felt like it was working against me
◆Work, relationships, life kept hitting walls
◆Ages 22–25: retreat into mental bunker
◆Bunker felt safe but became a prison
◆Isolation, stagnation, disconnection

The Puzzle

◆I don't know why I'm like this
◆Struggles feel internal without a clear external cause
◆Feels like an unsolvable puzzle
◆Lack of understanding makes healing harder

PLATE IV

Brain as Enemy / Inner Battle

fig. IV

FORWARD

→Me trying to move forward
→Wanting to be normal
→Hoping I can learn to live with it
→Coexist with the broken-feeling part

THE VOICE

"My brain feels like my enemy"
"Every day feels like a battle"
"Constant arguing against the voice telling me to give up"
""What's the point?""
"Hours pacing, trying to summon energy to do something"
"Endless debate with the part of me that doesn't want to move forward"
"Knowing I may never "cure" my brain"

what's the point?

give up

again?

you're behind

PLATE V

The Feet — Work History

fig. V

PATTERN

• Dozens of jobs
• Most left within a week
• Rarely lasting longer than a month
• Work causes stress, overwhelm, fight-or-flight
• All I can think about is getting out, so I leave
• Jobs do not appreciate walking away without warning

ENDING

• I desperately want to work
• I want to contribute and find stability
• Every time I try, something breaks down inside me and the cycle repeats

Redemption Psychiatry

– Peer support with Dr. Friday
– He saw something in me
– Mentored me
– Let me run groups my own way
– By Christmas I felt like I was failing the kids
– I was telling them things would get better when I hadn't seen that for myself
– Felt like I was still behind the starting line

Carwash

– Stayed longer because Alyssa worked there
– Alyssa helped keep me calm and grounded
– Did not want to leave and make her look bad
– Pushed through as long as possible

Famous Sam's

– Server in Tucson
– Living on my own
– Working as much as possible to survive
– Exhaustion kept me from freaking out at first
– Stress eventually led to one of my worst suicide attempts

PLATE VI

The Liver — Substance Use

fig. VI

· Liver as body's filter
· Substance use as an escape deposit
· No serious substance abuse problem currently
· Awareness of potential risk
· Poor impulse control
· Tendency to escape when things feel too heavy
· Decision to avoid alcohol because that path feels too dangerous
· Marijuana
· Nicotine
· Occasional psychedelics / shrooms, not LSD
· Substances as temporary patch
· Trying to fill a gaping hole
· Brief quiet from the constant noise of my brain
· Relief from self-criticism and berating thoughts
· They are not a solution
· They do not heal the wounds or fill the hole
· They only offer brief reprieve

PLATE VII

The Nerves — Triggers

fig. VII

hover a node — the line sparks

PLATE VIII

The Prefrontal Cortex — How I Think

fig. VIII

CONTROL PANEL · MALFUNCTIONING

brain shouts this. then i regret it. then i try to return it.

loop

monologue

fixation

scenarios

OVERTHINKING

LOOPING

IMPULSE

PARALYSIS

PLATE IX

The Amygdala — How I Process Emotion

fig. IX

FIGHT/FLIGHT/FREEZE

FLOOD↑ days latershutdown

the emotion catches up days later

· Amygdala as emotional center and fight / flight / freeze response
· Feels like my amygdala runs the show
· Emotions take over, logic fades into background
· Emotions overpower ability to think clearly
· I often shut down or freeze
· Stressful situations or intense conversations put my brain in defense mode
· Emotions become too loud to respond rationally
· Delayed processing
· I may seem calm or detached in the moment
· Then spend days obsessing over it
· Picking apart every detail, word, and action
· Running scenarios over and over
· Spiraling deeper into overwhelm
· Always playing catch-up with emotions
· Stuck thinking about past events
· Overanalyzing what I could have done differently or what someone meant
· Emotional flood overrides logic even when I know something is not rational

PLATE X

The Lungs — What Doesn't Work

fig. X

SUFFOCATING

· When therapy is not working, it feels like emotional suffocation
· I struggle to breathe emotionally
· Instead of relief or clarity, I feel overwhelmed and trapped
· Pushing me forward in those moments makes it worse
· Hyping me up does not work
· Compliments like "You've got this" or "You're doing great" make things worse
· They feel patronizing
· They feel like ignoring the weight of what I'm going through
· They annoy me and make me shut down more

CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH IT

· Waiting for me to open up does not work
· When overwhelmed, I cannot think clearly
· My brain shuts down
· I physically cannot bring myself to talk about what is going on
· We can waste an hour in silence waiting for something that cannot happen
· Many aspects of therapy can feel overwhelming
· We need to avoid pushing me into that space
· If overwhelming feelings are not addressed first, I cannot engage
· Therapy becomes impossible

PLATE XI

The Heart — What Does Work

fig. XI

♥ beats in sync

When therapy works, it feels like my heart is beating in sync with my mind
My heart opens up
Things flow again
Weight lifts
I can breathe easier
Thoughts and emotions align
I become engaged, present, and able to go deeper
Probing questions help me open up
Carefully crafted questions move the conversation forward when I shut down
Directness is crucial
Calling me out on my bullshit is a necessary jolt
Helps me face truth when lying or hiding
Assignments / homework help
They give me tangible work outside session
Let me apply creativity
Let me process more deeply
Help me think critically and connect with issues
DBT is like a structured workout for the emotional heart
DBT workbook with therapist would be amazing
Practical skills keep me grounded
Grounding exercises and breathing techniques are essential when overstimulated
Mantras
Tactile fidgeting
Other grounding techniques
Help reconnect with myself and stay in the moment

PLATE XII

The Hippocampus — Memory

fig. XII

open a drawer — some are clear, some foggy, some unknown

PLATE XIII

The Skin — Current Life Snapshot

fig. XIII

THIN MEMBRANE

· Skin as outer layer holding everything together
· My life feels thin and fragile
· Barrier could tear at any moment
· Most time spent trying to keep surface intact
· Staving off boredom because boredom can lead to depression
· When depression sets in, things can go downhill fast
· Difficulty remembering self-care
· So focused on keeping everything from falling apart that basics get forgotten
· Wanting to work for structure and to fill time
· Work attempts trigger panic attacks and inability to function
· Frustrating because I need structure but feel physically unable to handle it
· Good group of friends
· Fear of drifting away from them
· Fear we are becoming less connected
· Trying to keep things from breaking apart while navigating deeper issues

PLATE XIV

The Gut — Future Fears

fig. XIV

KNOT

· Gut as processing emotions and fear
· Future feels like a knot in my stomach
· Fear this will always be my life
· Fear I will always feel incapable and broken
· Feeling like a black hole
· Sucking in resources, love, and kindness without giving back
· Fear I will never be functional
· Future has too many variables
· Too many unknowns
· Lack of control deepens fear
· Fear of losing people I care about
· Fear they will see me as a black hole and pull away
· Fear of abandonment
· Fear of being too much of a burden
· Fear of letting people get too close
· Letting someone in exposes raw parts of me
· Fear they will leave or stay and feel trapped
· Cycle of wanting closeness but fearing closeness
· Always on guard

PLATE XV

The Muscles — Vision for the Future

fig. XV

VISION

↗ Muscles as movement, strength, and growth
↗ Future is about building strength
↗ Want to support myself and lift up others
↗ Want to be reliable
↗ Want people to know I follow through
↗ Want strength to help others emotionally and practically
↗ Financial stability, not wealth
↗ Enough to live comfortably without constant worry
↗ Want to help people
↗ Environmental research, preserving and understanding nature
↗ Maybe teaching and sharing knowledge
↗ VanLife dream
↗ Freedom, exploration, movement
↗ Simple living on the road

TRAIL MAP

– Trails symbolize self-reliance and perseverance
– Each step builds physical and emotional strength

PLATE XVI

The Hands — Hobbies and What I Do

fig. XVI

· Hands as tools to shape the world, build, create, and connect
· My hands are always busy
· Projects fill time and engage my brain
· Make me feel less crappy
· It is about the journey, not always finishing

· Always trying to create, fix, or explore something new
· Even if I do not finish, doing keeps me moving forward

PLATE XVII

The Bones — Support System

fig. XVII

· Bones as the structure that holds the body together
· My support system keeps me upright and grounded
· They provide stability, guidance, and strength when life feels too heavy

Mum

· Always around
· Supportive ear
· Well-thought-out advice
· Calm presence
· Wisdom
· Helps me find my way when I feel lost or confused
· Feels like the backbone that keeps me steady

Together, my support system forms the bones that keep me standing, even when I'm scared some of those bones are becoming fragile.

PLATE XVIII

The Immune System — Crisis Plan

fig. XVIII

· Crisis plan as immune system protecting me when overwhelmed
· If my mental health deteriorates, these steps help regain control

If I stop responding → contact Dad

· If I stop picking up or responding to messages, that is a clear signal I am struggling
· You are free and encouraged to contact my dad
· He is trusted and willing to help
· He is first line of defense when I shut down

Self-harm thoughts/actions → hospital immediately

· If I start hurting myself or cannot stop thinking about hurting / killing myself, I need to go to the hospital immediately
· I do not make long complex plans
· The instinct can be impulsive
· If I am obsessing over it, that is a red flag
· I need serious help even if I resist
· Remind me the feeling is temporary
· Getting help WILL make a difference

Freaking out → music, safe people, grounding

· When freaking out, music can calm me down
· Worst case, call safe people: parents, close friends
· Safe people can talk me through the moment and ground me
· This plan helps me fight through the storm until I am steady again

PLATE XIX · CLOSING

This Guide Evolves

This is not the full picture. It is not static. It will evolve as I do.

This is a guide for understanding me, working with me, and helping me stay connected when things get hard.

— end of volume 01 —